If you are reading...

then THANK YOU. Especially for the comments. I greatly appreciate them.

It's 2:00am in the morning...

I'm use to being up this time of the morning because I am usually at work. This is my weekend off and I'm sitting here surfing the web while sipping a glass of wine. It's not too bad. It's nice to have days off to do nothing. The day started with a crazy headache that couldn't be chased away with my drug of choice...excedrin. I was probably stressing about having to drive eight hours to visit momma. I don't regret wanting to see her--I just regret the drive. Brian announced he wanted to go and so we'll make him the designated driver. We're going to leave on Sunday. Susie called today and wasn't ready to leave tomorrow. Sometimes, my sister can make suggestions and regret them days later. Anyway, we need to check on momma. She is having outpatient surgery Tuesday and we want to be there for the procedure. It's probably good Brian is going. We can leave Bailee with him.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I had a birthday on July 10th. It's funny how I always overlook my birthday. I am now 48!! It's interesting...when I was younger I couldn't wait to become 16; then 18; and finally 21!! Those were significant birthdays that we always looks forward to that somehow changed our lives. Getting a driver's license, being a young adult, and old enough to go to a club or have that official 1st drink. Funny in all that, I never thought "when I turn 48". Of course, turning 48 didn't bring about those type of thoughts. I went online to Google the date of Daddy's death because I needed it for some paper work. I couldn't remember the exact date and thankfully I found it. He was 51 when he died. That's only three years older than me. I'm not sure what significance that has but I just thought it was interesting he died so young. I suppose when I was 24 that didn't seem young or I didn't think about it as much.

Anyway, this birthday or maybe the days leading up to now has been different. I feel different. Maybe it's putting old "stuff" away finally or maybe it's wanting something more. Things are really not that bad in my life. I still have the house, a semi new car, and the bills are paid each month. Brian will hopefully get himself together and move is life forward I suppose some detours make us stronger or give us excuses to wallow in pity. My hope is he takes the detours and just keep his life moving. I'm hopeful he's stronger after his time away and takes advantage of opportunities when the present themselves. Life can't be that bad. Sure, stuff happens but we get through it. Maybe momma can talk to him.

I am restless. I keep waiting for something to happen. I have no clue what that something is but something is hovering. Hopefully, it's a good something.

dating is optional....

I've been sharing my dating woes (or lack of) with some on-line buddies. It's a weekly sharing of the ups and downs of dating. It helps to read other situations and realize not much changes from person to person. The situations are sometimes the same but the characters often change. It seems we all go through "stuff" and we all would like to meet someone we are compatible with. Who knew it would be so difficult. I usually use my situation with Anthony as my centerpiece for conversation. I seriously have to admit he is perhaps the most 'healthiest' way I have ever interacted with a man. I really enjoyed him. I liked the person he introduced me. More important than that, I learned I could be ME and it was enough. It will be the benchmark I use going forward--if I allow dating to be an option.

I realize I have spent many years getting it wrong--dating/relationships. I feel OK not making it my soul focus now. I spent so much time putting a man's interest above mine that I lost that bright-eyed eighteen year old all those years ago. She had it "right" and didn't know it. She had her head on straight and remembered the things her father taught her about being a young woman. That eighteen year old got sidetracked because she struggled with an ugly duckling syndrome and she set out to prove something that didn't require it after all. It's funny that at 48 I would think so much about it now. I'm truly not too old to have learn a valued lesson. I don't have to try so hard to please someone and that giving and being me is enough. I'm not desperate anymore and being SINGLE isn't such a bad place to be. Mmmm, the peace of the whole thing isn't so bad.

Listening to another person's experience doesn't prompt me to wish for the experience or try competing for the same thing. I deleted my profile from on-line dating because I don't need it anymore. I wasn't all that interested anyway because I deleted all those men's that showed an interest in me. I don't need that prop anymore. As I stand on my own two feet I will someday meet Anthony again or someone equivalent and be ready for the experience. However, for now I'm good and that's saying so much for me because I struggled all these years and now know I was OK all those years ago.

The ugly duckling is now a pretty swan and I like her!!

sometimes thinking too much ... hurts...

So, I have been thinking a lot lately but I haven't put those thoughts into words. Sometimes thinking hurts and I just want to stop for a minute. Much of it is the busy-i-ness of a three year old. I suppose when you're 48 years old a busy 3 year old is challenging especially when sleep is all you crave. I wake up between hourly naps and Bailee has actually "explored" Brittini's make-up bag (she gave herself a makeover today) or she's been in her room and pulled clothes from the drawer. Toys are everywhere and the dogs suffer when she mixes their food with their water. Not a lot of damage from being bored or curious I suppose. It's unfair at times that she is stuck wit a mother working 3rd shift and sleeping most of the day away only to get up and start her day at seven p.m.. Days like this she could use a diversion like the park or just getting out of the house. I'll have to work on that. I may need a nanny--at least until she's old enough to start school.

Bailee is now "3"...

I woke up on Monday, July 14th and my eyes went immediately to the clock. I wanted to see the time at that precise moment because I wanted to recall what I was doing three years ago at that exact time. It was 9:23a.m. and I was in Labor & Delivery waiting to be taken into the operating room at 10a.m. to deliver Bailee. The memory of her delivery and her being wheeled from the room is a constant thought that never dims. It was five days before I saw her with my own eyes or touched her for the first time. It was close to ten days before I actually held her for the first time. The memories are always fresh...as if it was yesterday. It's ironic but I don't think there will be anything else that will ever impact my life as much as Bailee's birth has.

I looked at her on Monday and caught myself just watching her. I do that all the time...just get caught up watching her. I watched her grow. I mean literally from this one pound-thirteen ounce baby to this talking toddler. She's saying complete sentences (some I still can't understand), she's counting, and singing the abc's. It's a new word everyday and I'm always in awe. I smile too because she always brings me pause. She is like a sponge absorbing what I say or listening to Brittini. She repeats everything just right. Brittini says "sure" and Bailee has decided to use the word this week.

So, I called her over to the bed as I called up all those memories and she was circling the room getting her bearings. She was starting her day. I began to sing "Happy Birthday" to her. She smiled not really understanding the concept of a birthday but I could see she was processing it and liked that word. I think she believed she had a great word to repeat because throughout the day whenever someone wished her "Happy Birthday" she would say "Happy Birthday".

It's pretty mind blowing that "3" years have passed by so swiftly. It's been such an experience being Bailee's mommy. I have truly loved every moment so far....

"Happy Birthday Bay"

I finally did it...

I have put my foot down and did something I wasn't sure I wanted to do. Mainly because it's more of a headache moreso than anything else. I did the whole child support thing about a year ago and Bailee actually received what's owed to her. It was based on 50/50 income. Well, non-parent didn't agree with the judge and decided he wasn't going to pay or pay what he wanted to pay ($200-250). I was annoyed and decided to just let it be. Afterall, we had just been to court and that cost me from attorney's fees to DNA test. I was done and if he paid fine...if he didn't...then whatever. HOWEVER...child support was for my daughter and not her mother. Realizing this is not about me I have put the necessary paperwork in the mail today to Child Support Services to deal with it. I'm not talking to this man, exchanging text messages, or compromising this point ever again. Simply put -- he's responsible for 50% of her care and I am holding him to it.
whew....I feel better because the decision is made and I don't have to compromise this matter ever again. He can spend 72hrs in jail again or get his license taken from him. I don't care anymore because my daughter hasn't received any consideration from him.

why won't she take care of herself...

Susie called and said momma is back in the hospital. It seems her blood pressure medicine is causing swelling and her tongue is taking the brunt of it. She's been in the hospital twice in the last week. I also learned she wasn't taking her meds for diabetes either. Why won't she take care of herself? This from a woman that has taken care of a sick mother, three sisters suffering from cancer, and husband that had heart problems. All eventually died and she cared for each of them until their dying day. I think the meds are having an adverse reaction but momma has never really spoken up for herself. So, her solution is not to take the meds or take meds that could cut off her breathing. I'm so angry with her but then I thought about it. I wonder if William's death had more of an impact than she let's on. I don't think it's enough where she is giving up on life but she is probably lonely. Lonlieness can be a enemy. When we visited her last month she seemed 'lonely' to me. I made up my mind at that point that we have to travel to see her at least once a month...more if possible.
Next week we are going to check on her. It seems the doctor found blockage around her heart. They are going to operate and but in a shunt. She is home for now and her brothers are visiting so they will keep watch. I was going to just drive Susie to stay with her but decided to take some vacation time and be there for the surgery and when she comes home.
I can't imagine my life without her. Even though she lives far away I know I can always travel to see her. The idea that can be taken away is sad to me. So I need her to take care of herself and speak up and tell the doctors the meds are making her feel a certain way. Momma has always taken care of everyone but now I need her to take care of HER.

can I just sleep for a minute....

Bailee is getting older. It is so unreal to see her growing and talking and talking and talking. Who knew she would talk so much. She's busy too. I think she's going to be a girly-girl. The hair, clothes, shoes, and someday makeup. Imagine my surprise waking up from my hourly naps and seeing 'stuff' around her lips. I asked her what was on her lips and she said her "lips". I think it meant lip gloss because on closer scrutiny that's what it was. That meant she had been in my purse. Well, I clean her up from that mess and talk her into watching WoW, WoW Wuzby as I doze off again. I wake up from another nap and she smells like an old person rubbed down in Ben Gay...no, make that Icy Hot. She had been in bathroom and rubbed herself down in Icy Hot, lotion, and something else I can't recall. I should have locked the bathroom door but she's been doing so well using the potty that I didn't want her to have an accident. My naps are really my bedtime. Working 3rd shift and having a toddler is not a good mix. Of course she is usually at the sitters on Thursdays but even the sitter has to take a vacation. Bailee does well entertaining herself but it's normally a mess to clean up too. Everything comes into play when she's in curious mode. The entire house is her playground and that's not always a good thing when I wake up to a surprise!!

Brian's birthday....

Today is Brian's birthday. He's not around right now. As an adult making his own decisions the adult got into some trouble that could have been avoided. He just took this crazy turn and things that could go wrong did. He violated parole and his probation officer sent him off to boot camp. I've received a few letters from Brian and hopefully this time away will center him and he will move his life in the direction he wants it to go. I love him but I have stopped trying to make decisions for him as his mother. There comes a time you have to let go no matter how difficult it may be. We have been "struggling" for three years now. Mostly because for twenty years he was an only child. Things changed after I had Bailee. I never suspected he was jealous of Bailee. I know he loves her but I never suspected he struggled with her place in my life. I get what he is saying but we can't stay in that same place. At some point we will have to move forward. We seem to rehash the same conversations that don't have a different outcome. Maybe we can "talk" to one another when he comes home and finally move forward.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Brian. I love you!!

one of those days...

I've had a day where I was doing too much and not paying attention. Bailee and I went to pick the dogs up from the groomers. I tried putting Sage in her travel sachel but she wasn't having it. Finally after getting her in the car she climbed out again. I only put her in the darn thing because she barks at everything moving outside the car. She doesn't travel very well in the car. Well, Bailee was yelling because Sage was climbing out out the sachel and I reached back to stop her. In my hast to get some order in the car I forgot to put the jeep in stop--I merely put my foot on the break but not enough to stop. I rolled right into someone's car. Dog-gone-it!! How thoughtless can I be. I went inside Starbucks to find the owner of the car. The clerk inside asked the patrons and a gentleman sitting in the corner was the bearer of my bad news. I walked up to him and stated "sir, I just ran into your car." He looked up and said "oh!" He walked out with me to take a look but he was so nice. We exchanged information and that was the end of it. The clerk inside Starbucks had to take our driver's license and names. He also took a picture of the owner's vehicle. I asked him why and he said they simply have to write a report when an accident occurs in front of their property. I called my insurance company when I arrived home to report the accident. My car wasn't damaged enough to warrant the $500 deductible. The other vehicle was a Volvo so I'm not sure how much it's going to cost nor how much actual damage I caused. Thank God for insurance. I kind of wish Brittini had picked up the dogs now.