It's already October...

Where was I all of September? Not a note posted. Nothing significant has happened. I feel as though it's the same day in and day out. I don't really mind either. It just seems "quiet" to me. My life feels quiet. Like something should be happening but I don't really want to put forth the effort to do anything.
I've been sort-of anal about losing fifteen pounds earlier in the year and not able to gain at least five pounds back. I went for my annual appointment and mentioned it to the doctor. She said she'd check my blood to ensure nothing was going on. I received my green card in the mail yesterday and the blood work came back normal. So there was nothing healthwise that caused the loss. It's nice to know I'm diseased free too. I don't know...maybe it was the exercising exercising, getting the braces and not being able to eat some of my favorite snacks or not having much of an appetite sometimes. Who knows. The doctor says I'm healthly on the inside and so I'm grateful. It just means I have to go shopping for skirts and pants to fit. I was hoping I wouldn't have to and I would go back to the size 6 or 8. It's not going to happen and it's really silly going around hiking up my waistband to my boobs. I must me in a funk because all I want to wear are jeans and I'm not a big jean wearer or I wasn't. OK, I need to get a grip and stop obsessing.
It's my weekend off and so I'm going to shampoo my hair tonight and sit under the dryer. I promised Bailee I would take her to to pumpkin patch tomorrow. Maybe we'll go feed the ducks too. I need to get out of the house. It's not good for me to be my own company.

Is August nearly over yet?....

It's been a crappy month so far. Carlos said it was weather related. The Summer to Fall change. Whatever the cause I am one over-wrought woman. No money, no sex, no sleep, no, no, no. I need sleep but find myself sleeping only five to six hours. I tried Ambien (sp) and still sleep the same amount of hours. I felt more rested but didn't get anymore sleep. Ok, so Monday the bank bounced 11 that's right 11 of my ATM charges. I wanted to cry when I saw my account overdrawn $1000.00!! Who has that kind of money to give to a bank? I sure in the hell don't. What was worse than the $1000 mistake is having to argue with the rep who believed she was CEO of the bank. She wanted to explain to me twelve times the BillPay system. How I should have money in the account..OK and? I explained they weren't suppose to pay the bill until the 20th. They mailed the check on th 15th and the damn thing cleared on the 18th!! So much for their 3-5 business day policy and the check was dated for the 20th and they still cashed it. OK so I was tired of talking to the pseudo CEO and requested to speak to one of her managers. She told me the manager was going to tell me the same thing and didn't understand why I wanted to speak to one. The CEO didn't realize that I argue with sign boards so it was much easier to just transfer me.
The manager comes on and ask how I'm doing. I told him I wasn't happy. I needed an understanding of the mess made to my checking account. Who knew that when I clicked the drop down box and 1 day away is electronic transfer and 3 days are checks mailed. I asked the manager where was that written. Oh, it's not. So, I'm suppose to know that. Again, I should have the funds in the account. You weren't suppose to pay the check until the 20th. He finally looks at the check and when it was posted and OH!! The check cleared just from the weekend. Hmmm, so he decides to refund $385. I just can't imagine $385 in NSF charges to a bank. The balance I had to eat because they paid the check so they couldn't give me all the money. Seems they should have. I have to think very seriously about using online BillPay again.
So to add insult to my injury (there is more). I paid the wrong biller my mortgage. The names are similar and when I realized my mistake I broke down and cried. I am BROKE. There's nothing in savings. The fool Sidney thinks paying child support is a joke on me and that darn Jeep needs an oil change because it's drinking gas like it's an addict. Back to the mortgage....I called the mortgage company and explained what happened. I have been fighting with them for four months over a mortgage payment they didn't post in 2005. It took them three years to tell me I was behind and took them another four months to finally credit me. The rep asked if I could get the money back from the other biller. How about NO!! Their good news...I don't have to pay again until March 2009. The bad news....no August mortgage payment. So, I cried. I cried for the mortgage. I cried for the screwed up checking account. I cried because the man I like. I just cried.
That was yesterday and today is a new day. I'm hopeful everything will work out and I need to start collecting pennies. After all, there was a man who paid his $1000 electric bill with them

It took 2 days...

So, it took two days and I thought about it. It's easy to admit that I'm crazy about Anthony but maybe more than that....this may not be good for me. I know I want more for myself. I've re-evaluated me after having Bailee and know for sure what I will and will not do. I know enough about myself to know that I can't do "casual". It's not in me to even pretend anymore. What I know...I want a loving, simple relationship with a man in which we both participate. I realize that Anthony is doing so many more things which don't include me and may never. I don't want to find my way through that. For the sake of my sanity I will just step away and leave it be. Its easy to say but hard to do. Yet I know I can't do another Sunday and expect a different result. There are many good qualities about Anthony that I'd hate to begin disliking him because I'm not included in his world and wanting it so much. It's disappointing but better than being heart broken. I have been struggling with this for months and perhaps not really admitting the truth to myself. I've made up stuff in my head, called him, deleted his number from my cell phone, added it back and swooned when I saw him.
Now those pretty, big girl panties are up around my waist and I'm going to breathe and move on.

What was That?!!!

I had a moment with Anthony las night (sunday). It was very nice to see him too. I could just hug and hold him forever. I put everyone out of my house (except the dogs) for some uninterrupted time. Brian took Bailee on a little drive (he's such a good son). Anyway, now I'm asking myself "what was that?" Anthony said I would analyze it (he knows me too well) and figure it out. I told him I'd take two days. One to enjoy relive the moment and the other to actually put it into words. I still can't. It's like having a thought and losing it plus not having subsequent ones after. I am brain dead but I have to admit wellllllllllllllll, the moment was in the words of Paris Hilton HOT!! a good DAMN comes to mind too. I'm going to leave the analytical junk for another occasion because the moment was too interesting to put words all around it. However it is worth noting and that's what I'm doing.

back from my trip...

Momma is doing ok. I went to Louisiana with Susie, Brian, and Bailee to check on her. She was having a procedure for the doctor to check the blockage around her heart. She had the procedure and the doctor put in three stints. Still not sure how much blockage but the nurse said anything over 80% and so it had to be at least that. She had a hard time when the removed the line. The nurses had a difficult time stopping the bleeding and her blood pressure dropped. It took them more than 45 minutes to stablize her. She was ok but a little weak. The doctor released her Wednesday afternoon. We stayed an extra day just to make sure she was ok. Susie stayed because one of us needed to be there.
Brian went with us. He heard me telling the dogs we were going to be away for the week. He said he wanted to make the trip. I didn't have the heart to tell him no or try talking him out of going. It was nice having a family vacation even though we were checking on Mom.
Bailee is a pill. The word 'no' should not be allowed from that child's mouth. How can a 3 year old be such a smart mouth? I love that she is talking but I really, really need to watch what I say. She repeat everything. Good thing I don't cuss or I'd have a child with a mouth like a sailor.
OK, so Anthony snuck into town on Monday. He called me to "surprise" me and he was surprised. I had to tell him I was out of town. What are the odds? I have to admit I pouted and whined because I've wanted to see him for a few months and he shows when I'm not home. Anyway, we were talking over one another and he said the "L" word. Whoa!!--that was a shock. I don't remember what he was saying before he said "I Love You" nor do I know what he said after. I was still replaying those three distinct words in my ears. I've thought about them alot since Monday too. Now, I need to see his face because I want to stand in his presence if/when he says them again. It did give me a tingling feeling though. Seriously, I haven't received that declaration too often in my life. It does feel good!!