Gonna have myself a real cry...

I'm going to have a real good cry before this year is over. I'm going to cry for all the things that went well and those that didn't go so well. I think I really want to cry because I haven't in a very long time. I'm been this strong, independent woman taking care of family, home and always acting as though I have it all together. That's been my reaction to everything for almost five years. Just get in done and don't feel. I haven't reacted to situations that truly called for either a serious down pour of tears or at least getting some things off my chest. I think I've only gotten worse in the past three years. I realized a few days ago that I have been holding so much inside and that's because I did something to someone who in turn reacted as he should have. I haven't really engaged myself mentally or physically in much. I was talking to Carlos at work about this situation and he actually took the opposing side. He said when he first met me I was cold and indifferent. He said over time as he's gotten to know me that I'm not a nice woman but that wasn't his initial reaction to me. He said I'm opinionated and tend to want the last word in arguments. He said I am stubborn too.
I am emotionally bankrupt and it's the critque to admit too. I was asked if I had ice water runnng through my veins and of course I had a flippant response. Hmmm, I've had many of those too.....flippant responses. It's as though I've prepared myself not to feel emotionally and I detach from situations then respond offensively. I really don't like this person I've become. I don't like that I don't cry, feel something or at least engage. I have retreated so far inside myself that I think it's the other person's fault when something is said I don't particularly like. I'm hardest on men. It's as though I'm anticipating their disappointment and I prepare to disengage before anything happens. I've been probably allowing that fear of rejection to fester for so many years that I didn't see it. So, I am going to pay much more attention starting now. I'll put forth a real effort to participate emotionally and not be a coward and withdraw. I'm going to be more aware and call myself out when I start internalizing situations that aren't meaningful or impacting.
I disappointed someone two nights ago and saying I'm sorry didn't fix it. Silly me thought I could be my ugly, moody, and short self and it would be okay. It wasn't. I've been thinking about my behavior alot since then. I was wrong. I know I need to deal with me. No one can hurt me unless I allow them too but the biggest hurt is that which I inflict on myself unnecessarily. I'll have to try harder to communicate and not redraw from situations that should be dealt with. I can't take back what I did to this other person. He's not being very forgiving either. I can't say that I blame him. I respect the fact that he called me back because a few wouldn't. He had his say and chances are I may never hear from him again. That will certainly be my loss. I have to face the fact that I may not fix it and if I don't then the next time I'll have to be more aware and caring about another person's feelings.
I have to do some serious internal searching and make significant changes going forward.
There is only one day left to this year. Hopefully, the impact of my behavior guides me to a better me. Otherwise, I'm going to be a very miserable woman.
It was such a simple matter but it had broader consequences.